Reviving Ophelia

[I wrote this a little bit ago, and am now done with the book. But I didn't feel like changing all my tenses and such, so if you happen to know that I'm done with this book, and you're thinking, "Why are you saying you're reading it right now? Did you lie at book club and say you'd finished it?" I did not. This was just not written today. The end.]

I am reading a book right now called Reviving Ophelia. I'm sure a lot of you have heard of it. I'd heard of it a few times but am just now reading it. It is amazing. It's all about teenage girls and how the world is so hard for that demographic. It talks about the challenges that girls face and how to try and combat those problems for your daughters, students, or whatever teenage girls you have in your life.

Reading this book has made me realize how horrible teenage girl life can be. It's also made me reflect on my own teenage years and how amazing they were compared to the average teenage girl in America. So I wanted to list some of the reasons why my teenage years were so great.

I had (and still have) parents who love me, and told me they loved me. They trusted me to make my own decisions but at the same time set boundaries and had expectations. They took interest in my life and talked to me often. They encouraged me to do anything I wanted with my life. They were proud of me. I didn't really fight with my siblings beyond the usual bickering. The only time I ever remember yelling at any of them is when they woke me up by flicking the lights on and off. My sister and I were particularly close, and still are great friends.

I had friends who shared my value system and never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to. The closest thing to actual peer pressure I remember experiencing was the pressure to skip Geometry. Sometimes I went, and sometimes I went to class while they skipped. And even then, we were friendly about it, and I didn't feel like they would stop talking to me if I went to class. I would joke with them that we were in a Seminary video and I was the one choosing the right. (Do you remember that, Nickell?) Those Sunday School lessons that talked about "What would you do if you were at a party and [fill in the blank with something about sex, drugs, or alcohol]?" never felt relevant to my life.

My friends never really did anything bad. The things I did that I considered "bad" were things like sneaking out and driving around at night, maybe going toilet papering, or lighting firecrackers and throwing them in port-a-potties (which I only did one time). The boys did some crazier stuff than the girls did, but it still wasn't anything serious. Running around in your boxers in an empty field isn't going to keep you from going on a mission, you know?

I love those boys, and I never felt disrespected by my male friends. I felt safe and protected when I was with them. My parents trusted them too, and if we were ever going to an activity that was potentially dangerous, or far away, they wanted to be sure that the boys would be going so we would be safe.

Sure, sometimes I wished I was the really hot girl that all the boys liked, but I felt good about myself and knew that I would rather have people like me for my personality than for my looks. I think some of that came from my God-given confidence, which I am grateful to possess, but much of it came from the fact that I have people in my life who reinforced my belief that who you are INSIDE is what matters.

I felt like girls could do anything. When I was young, I had a variety of jobs I wanted to have, that included being an astronaut, a biologist living in the Amazon, and a judge. As I grew up I lost interest in those things and realized my true love lay in the cultural aspects of the academic world, but I don't believe that it was from external influences that my life plans changed.

I was taught to have high expectations from relationships. In the book it talks about group therapy sessions that the author had with young girls who were very sexually active, and they have such a sad outlook on relationships. She asked them to make a list of things that they think should happen before they would sleep with someone, and they said things like, "He should tell me he likes me," and "he should spend some money on me, like take me to McDonald's." This wasn't their version of what HAD been happening to them, this was their idea of what they would LIKE to have happen to them. They all just had a string of awful encounters that were not even relationships.

Another girl talks about how her boyfriend would come over and watch sports on tv with her dad, and she would get them Coke and popcorn. And that was basically what their relationship was. He sat there and she catered to him. And you better believe that is NOT how I was raised. I was raised with a mom who can hitch up a horse trailer or haul hay by herself, and with a dad who is happy to do the dishes. I also have a mom who would not put up with people assuming she will wait on them while they sit on the couch. Hells no. That is not a relationship, that is servitude, and no thank you.

I have never been abused in any way. I have always had people around me who love me, and I love them. I never had catty girlfriends who intentionally hurt my feelings and gossiped behind my back. We didn't get in fights and stop speaking to one another. We didn't care too much about looks--in ourselves or in each other. We formed a group of friends with a foundation of fun and sincere interest in one another, not one of fake friendship. (Take that, alliteration!)

And yeah, there were things about my teenage years that could have been better. I should have been a better student, and been better about keeping my room clean. I should have fought less with my dad about those 2 things. I should have tried harder to be nice to everyone, and tried harder to not care what people thought about me.

But as a whole, when I look back at ages 12-18, I don't see years filled with depression or anger or bad self-esteem or scarring memories or sexual harassment. I remember how carefree I was, I remember how fun school was, and how the weekends were even more fun. I remember vacations with my family, big group dates, an innocent first relationship with a boyfriend, parties with extended family, parties with friends, sleepovers with my sister, basketball games, football games, great English teachers, a great History teacher, lots of great other kinds of teachers, Young Women's leaders, and lots of fun times with my amazing friends that are STILL my amazing friends.

Am I romanticizing the past? Probably. But even if I try really hard to find something in my own life akin to what I've read in this book, I come up empty.

I think I've always been grateful for my amazing adolescence, but this book is making me realize how truly rare my experience is, and deepening my gratitude even more.

Incidentally, it is very good. If you have the means I highly recommend picking it up.